College is not my problem

[Timothy]

So, I was listening to NPR "Talk of the Nation" today and they had a segment on The Price of College, lots of OMG! College is expensive! A whole lot of parents talking about how they are planning, saving, or borrowing to send their kids to school, and choosing schools based on cost vs. quality vs. prestige, etc.

I find I've got a major disconnect. My wife and I both got through bachelor and Ph.D. with little help from family, via work, scholarships, grants, and debt. Now we've got a 5-year-old, and I'm being told that I'm horribly irresponsible for not planning his college financing before he even started kindergarten.

To my sight, college is the kid's problem. He can go or not, as he sees fit, and decide how to pay, what's worth paying for, etc. depending on what he wants. College is a huge decision in life, and I plan on helping him figure it out, but it's not my life, it's his, and entering college he'll be an adult.

But, again, I keep hearing that I'm mind-bogglingly irresponsible not to be saving RIGHT NOW to pay for his school. And I don't want to screw my son over, either.

Argh.

[Milena]

My mother got the Florida Pre-Paid College Plan for both me and my sister. I am thankful for that, and I am doing the same for my daughter. I agree with you in a sense, BUT... maybe you should look into a program like the aforementioned just for the beginning... I pay a little over $100.00 a month (because I enrolled when she was 1 year and 1/2 old) for a 2+2 Plan, which means I'm paying for 2 years of community college and 2 years of a state college. If she decides she wants to go to College straight out of high school, she can still use it, and pay the difference since those credits are more expensive. And if she decides to go out of state, she can either cash it out or use it at a college that accepts this program as payment.
Now.... if grad school is an option for her, then that is all her. By then she will really be an adult and I think your thinking making sense.

[Maggie Mooney]

Don't let others make you feel guilty. My grandparents, parents, husband, and I all found ways to pay for our own college educations through scholarships and work-study jobs. It seems like your education becomes more important if you are responsible for paying for it. I know I took it more seriously than a lot of my friends who just partied all the time. Going away to school when someone else is paying for it gives kids a false sense of reality and independence. If I had exorbitant amounts of money and my child was unusually mature maybe I would consider giving him money, but I really think it means more to do it on your own.

[Em's Mama]

My parents had 4 children and they by no means were rich. They set aside a certain amount of money for each of us for college and the rest was up to us. I went to a great state school and got scholarships for my major. I knew that I was responsible for the rest.
If you decide that it is right for your family to have your children be responsible for college, that is your choice. I was always taught the value of education - and having a Ph.D. I am sure that you will instill that in your children as well. Don't let others bully you into making decisions that are not right for your family.
I will provide for my daughter as much as possible, but she can be responsible for the rest. It will teach her the value of hard work and education. I found that I was more interested in my classes because I knew the hard work that went into funding my education.

Well, maybe I am rambling, but I just think it is a personal choice. You know what is right for you and your family. If you can - maybe start a small fund that can help them get started for college or life if they decide college is not for them. Just dont feel pressured.




www.HeirloomsToBe.com

[Timothy]

Thanks for your replies, guys. Milena, I will research the pre-paid plan. I'm in Arizona, and I think there's one here also. If we do decide to put aside money for education, that's an option.

Maggie and Em's Mama, I think you're putting better voice to some of my feelings than I did. Part of my concern is, frankly, that all that education and debt for us means we're behind the ball in saving for our own retirements, nevermind our kids' education.

But a big part of it is that the process of deciding about paying for school makes it clear that school is important. If it's not important to the kid, then why should they pay for it? And if it's not important to them, why should *we* pay for it? I also want to encourage what seems these days to be early maturity. An 18-year-old should be working to be an independent adult, with some nudges and coaching as needed. That way by the time they're 23 or so, they should have the adult thing reasonably worked out.

Anyway, thanks!

[Shelley]

I feel your pain; my husband and I have discussed this plenty, we have four kids and are pretty sure there is no way we can pay for college for all of them. Some people would have us believe we shouldn't have children if we can't afford to do "everything" for them.

Anyway, my husband paid for all of his school himself (BA, JD, LLM) the same way you did. My parents paid for mine until I got married and then I was on my own for my Junior and Senior year of school. I appreciate their help so much, and hope to be able to help my kids as much as we can, but I am very proud of the two years I "bought" myself. I value my education so much more because I sacrificed for it.

While my husband I are saving for our kids schooling, we make it very clear to them that it is their education and ultimately, they will be responsible for it.

[The Griscom Volkman Family]

I am with you ... I am focused on all the other expenses associated with parenting, including paying for pre-school, elementary, and high school if we continue to chose private schools for one or both of our sons. I can't even think about the cost of paying for college at this juncture, particularly with multiple kids. It's daunting.

My parents paid for my college education, and if I appreciated it then, I have appreciated it significantly more every year since. It's an enormous gift, being able to leave money out of the school selection process, and graduate without loans to pay off. My family did not have endless resources -- they made a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for our schools growing up. My mother's mantra was that she believed in paying whatever was necessary to have the best medical attention and education available, even if it meant not eating out or taking fancy vacations. This ethic still resonates with me.

Having said that, I don't think running up college loans is such a terrible thing -- I probably would have matured earlier had I been faced with the fiscal discipline required to retire loans in my 20s. I am focused on giving my kids everything I can before they get to college, and if I can afford to pay their way through college, I will. If I can't, I won't beat myself up.

[Amy]

I think you are totally right with your thinking about college. I have approached it the same way- college is their problem, not mine. Both their father and I took care of college as adults and they will be able to do it as well. Besides, college is changing. I have some kids working towards applying to Stanford- it's almost free. You just have to be able to get in, and by golly if you work hard you can make it and will deserve to get it for free. I know too many kids earning scholarships, working, and earning college. I also see too many kids whose parents are "giving" them college who are just wasting it partying. Kids who earn their own college are much less likely to waste time "finding themselves" and partying.

[Zicea Becks]

SO with this notion, does that mean I am technically done being a mother when they hit 18????

cool..i didn't know it was a 18 year commitment. I thought it was a life long one. : P


it's your perogative if you pay for your kids school or not.

but with that attitude, don't be surprised if you end up in one of those nursing homes on 20/20. you'd be wearing the same Depends for 2 days straight.

[Zicea Becks]

and if it's not the parent's responsibility, then why does one have to use their parent's effing tax-return in order to get money for school?!?!?

up until they're 24 at that?

you basically have to be knocked up, married or have a dead parent to get money for college.

so i guess the result is that they get 2 -3 jobs. if they can accumulate 40 hours a week at $7 bucks an hour, they might can get $1,120...oh wait...taxes.

sure it's a reality check, but unless you have a mad hustle, you're not gonna be able to afford books...or dorm fees. you can only xerox so many pages out of your classmates Comparative Politics textbook.


i know not everyone can pay for their kid to go to college, but to just cop out and say, 'it's not my problem' is soo assy to me.

by 17/18 i had my own means to take care of myself. i paid for my schooling. i didn't have to work a million jobs to do it, i was comparatively blessed.

I already have money set aside for all 6 of my hell spawns to go to college. College was hard..i had authority issues...i was a smart a*s...okay, all of those things are still true...my point is, it's hard enough taking classes.

I want my kids to go to college, and it'd be cool if they had a part time job to take care of their creature features. but i have the means for them to go and get an education, not be worried if they are gonna get enough tips to cover tuition...just because it's not my problem!

a whole bunch a stuff ain't my problem, but i have to deal with it on a daily basis.


if you don't wanna pay for your kids, that's fine. those aren't my kids, i can care less. but i was just sharing my opinion... that's what blogs and forums are for...right???

[Em's Mama]

Are you calling us bad parents because we cant afford to pay for college?
I love my daughter and I want her to have every opportunity in the world. HOWEVER, if she has to have student loans like I did, or has to work through college or has to earn scholarships, I do not think it is the worst thing in the world. I am thrilled for you that you are able to pay for 6 "hell spawns" to go to college, but we may not be in that position. I knew that my parents couldnt afford for all 4 of us to go to college on their savings so I knew that I had to work hard for scholarships or make money to pay the rest of my way. I do not resent them, nor will I put them in a home where they wear the same Depends for 2 days straight. My daughter will certainly not resent me for teaching her a valuable lesson that it is hard work to pay for a higher education.

What is right for you and your "hell spawns" may not be right for my family. We have our own standards and both my husband and I paid for some or all of our schooling. Though he is in a highly successful position, college is expensive. It does not make us bad parents that we may not be able to pay for it all. The comment of "college is not my problem" does not mean that I will stop parenting when my kid is 18. It means that they will be old enough, mature enough, and wise enough to help with their future. And as I said before - it made me value my education so much more than the freeloaders that I went to school with. I want to teach my daughter the value of hard work.

[Zicea Becks]

Oh no...i'm not saying that if you can't afford college you are a bad parent. Heck no....i'm more or less referring to the attitude of "it's not my problem".

I can see if a parent thinks their child will get more out of school if they pay their own way, but to be like..."I raised them. I'm done...they are on their own now."

what your household does is your business. what mines does is mines. of course I know everyone's situation is different.

I just feel that I would do whatever I could to help my kid through college. If I had the money or not. And I assume that most parents would. You'd piece some kind of money together to help out...or I would at least.

The initial comment got under my skin...and I commented on it. That's why they have these online chat/forums/message boards...so we can compare and contrast ideas and values.


I'm sure you're a good parent. You love you kid. Great for you. Have a snicker doodle...I just took the initial comment as though you were one of those tough love parents who boot their kids out at 18 and wipe you hands clean only to convert their bedroom into some home-gym you'll never use.

The orig. post gave me the impression of, "well, if that scholarship doesn't come through, then I guess you can't go to college. Should've studied harder."

If the above does not apply to you, then it's no big deal.

The Depends in a nursing home was a joke ...yet another example of how our words gets lost in translation online.

SO...I appologize if my comment made someone feel as if I'm calling them a bad parent (by the way, if I felt as such, I would just flat out say it). That was never my intention.


Bad parents don't go on fancy web sites and talk about carving pumpkins with their kids....parents who forget to pick up their kids at school because they are at the crack-house...now that's when you fall into the bad parent category.

[Milena]

Good point!