communication with an ex

when my wife of 4 years left for the gym one morning, she left her laptop open and logged in to her hotmail. in a sad moment of inexcusable noseyness, i took a peek at her email...and i wish i hadn't.

in 15 minutes i discovered almost DAILY correspondence with her ex, dating back over 6 months -- right around the time he invited her to join facebook. the conversations range from ordinary day to day topics to reminiscing of good ol' college days.

i wouldn't me mentioning any of this if it weren't for 3 things:
1. his messages are sugar sweet and filled with 'no one could compare to you' comments.
2. her messages share thoughts and feelings about life that she hasn't shared with me.
3. when asked if she corresponds with him, she's answers: 'just the occasional comment on facebook'.

i presented my sister with this scenario and she told me to 'get over it'. granted, this fellow lives hundreds of miles away in another state, but i think this is a lot to 'get over'.

i would welcome any and all thoughts and comments on this because i'm at a sincere loss. i love my wife dearly and treat her like a queen. (and did i mention i have no contact with any of my ex-es?) but this discovery has me feeling used and betrayed.

Tags: infedelity, manners, marriage

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Anci on October 18, 2008 at 9:25pm: Sorry you are going through this...I think you should talk to her and ask her about it...In my opinion, the fact that she said '' just the occasional comment on facebook' when you asked her about it, I think she lied to you...and in a marriage that is not OK. You won't get over it unless you confront her about it. I totally understand that you feel betrayed, I would feel that way too. Good luck!

Permalink Reply by Milena on October 20, 2008 at 5:02pm: I definitely think that you should bring it up, and be aware that it will most likely get turned around on you because you did after all, snoop through her e-mail. However the bigger picture is the lie and the trust that is now somewhat broken. She needs to be honest about what is going on in her head. Why is she talking to this guy the way that she is when she seems to have all anyone could want at home? To top it off she lies about it? She is obviously aware that this would hurt you.

Permalink Reply by Zicea Becks on October 21, 2008 at 1:48am: okay, betrayed. aweful.

but i would be concerned with what is missing from our marriage if my spouse was contacting the old one. Apparently, there is still some emotions, and no closure.

I kinda need more info.

How long did she date the guy? Was it 5 months, or 5 years?

Did they go through a lot? ie, parent passing away, career changes, mis-carriages, etc.

Why did they split? Them splitting up because "you're a selfish jerk" versus they grew apart, or he took a job on the other side of the country and the distance was hard.

How long after they broke up, did you and her get together? Maybe she was never over him....him being miles away equals out of sight out of mind....easier to date a new great guy...and get married.

And let's keep it real; alot of people get married with the major factor of convinience. Sure you love each other, but it makes more sense to invest in one property with a great guy who loves you, and stabalize your life....

I'm not saying it's not wrong, but I would want to know what's really going on. Heck, I wanna know!

Permalink Reply by Anci on October 21, 2008 at 10:44am: I am sorry but I don't think that's an excuse....If something is missing in their marriage, why doesn't she tell him? His the husband not the ex...And he cannot read her mind...and who cares why they split up? I don't think anyone forced her into marrying him ( the husband I mean). What she did is not fair....if she has any problems at all, she should discuss them with her husband.

Permalink Reply by Zicea Becks on October 21, 2008 at 4:34pm: I agree. but the reality is that most people don't do that. They are selfish, and resort to emotionally cheating (in this case) via the internet.

I asked those questions to see if the writing was on the wall in the first place. Sometimes, humans like to ignore these things, and play devastated when the sh*t hits the fan. I'm not saying that this is the exact case...I don't really know, because I'm not part of their everyday life.

I'm not looking for an excuse for her....

....but how many people you know get a divorce due to lack of communication????

The OP can do one of 2 things:

1) Divorce her a*s and move on. Hopefully, not too jaded from a cheating wife where he can't form and decent relationships in the future. Which leads to...
1a) Going to therapy and paying a crap load of money to find out that you were nuts WAY before you met your wife...then you go into a mid-life crisis, while your wife moves on to the ex and have 4 kids and live happily ever after.
-----or------
2) you get with your wife, 'front her on what you found (I hope you were smart enough to print the evidence...just in case you want to do Choice 1. Fight it out, cry it out...go to therapy, work it out.

That's all you can do at the point. What, you think she's gonna magically decide to confess to having email love all of a sudden and then sh*t goes back to normal????

I do wish you all the luck no matter what you decide to do.

Permalink Reply by Milena on October 22, 2008 at 3:07pm: [Now if it was me, and I found out that my wife was doing this, I would have just wrote the guy a message from her account that simply said: "You're right you know, nobody does compare to her, that is why I married her." and then signed it Move on with your life - The Husband"]

Love it!

Permalink Reply by Anci on October 22, 2008 at 5:04pm: yeah it's a good ides but he still needs to talk to her about it...

Permalink Reply by RGB on October 23, 2008 at 11:40pm: I have to thank everyone for their input.

A true heart to heart is in need, for sure. I'm just waiting for the right moment to bring it up. I'm guessing there's no way to get around being rapped across the knuckles for snooping. but if my concerns aren't acknowledged then things are worse than i'd hoped.

i love the idea of sending an email but that's not my style. And i'd rather not waste my time on this dude anyway.

for those interested in the back story... they dated in college and it ended dramatically after incidents of domestic violence and an unplanned pregnancy. why my wife would want to invite this kind of character back into her world is beyond me. but i'll get to the bottom of it soon.

Permalink Reply by Jason on October 24, 2008 at 11:37pm: The personal implications of this are yours alone, but I can offer some advice on moving on in your marriage. Frankly, it's probably not as bad as you think. It is a betrayal, no doubt, but it's not that she hates you or doesn't love you. She's not fucking the guy, and she's probably not thinking about leaving you. Take a hard line and tell her that this is not acceptable. Tell her that it hurts you and that it's unacceptable. Tell her to cease communication with the guy. Then, don't hold a grudge when she does what you've asked. Start over, and trust again.

Stop snooping in your wife's email. Tell her that what you've seen can't be unseen and needs to be addressed, but promise to stop. Snooping is a seperate issue. Consider marriage counseling; think of it as a marriage tune-up. Counseling is no good at all once trust is gone, so do it now while there's still the love and some trust left. It's a hard thing to bring up, but it's a lot easier than divorce. There's no point going to a counselor when all your asking for is permission to divorce.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It hurts bad. The only way out is to talk about it. There's never a good time to talk about something like this, so you'll just have to bust out with it during a commercial break. You have a right to not fear that your wife is cheating on you. You probably had reason to check your wife's email account, and that means there's more going on than her flirting with an old flame. Do what you can to save your marriage. Your wife no doubt sets rules for you; you can set rules for her as well. It all comes back to respect. You can be kind and supportive, and at the same time stand up for yourself. Good luck. I've been where you are and felt the same way. You have to stand up for yourself to save your marriage.

Permalink Reply by Zicea Becks on October 25, 2008 at 1:27am: So if he had been beating her a*s then that sheds some light on this....women that have been abused have way more going on emotionally than you think. Guys that do this to their spouses build the woman up, then tear her down. He holds the keys to her self-esteem.

I'm not saying you're not on your hubby-game, but maybe she's not feeling the love...or you give a different type of love than what she had been accustom to...she runs across him via the internet one day, then she feels that false sense of security again.....he builds her up. "oh baby, i'm sorry." "yeah, i was a jerk back then......i've changed a lot since then...."
do you see the potential pattern? It's like going back to crack...it doesn't make sense, but tell that to an addict.

Then there is the unplanned pregnancy...i don't know if she had the kid or not...but either way, that situation gave them a kind of bond. Even if he was a jerk about it. Even if you two now have kiddos....

it's like being robbed during a bank heist....none of the people probably knew each other, but after a tramatic experience, they have a bond. And when the trama is a secret like getting knocked up and getting an abortion/adopt the baby off (i'm assuming), then they are always gonna have that thing that happend long ago.

all this sounds like bad keloid skin...but there is hope. You need to just bust out and talk to her. if she's stubborn and walks away a lot, go on a road trip where she's locked in the car with you for a few hours and bring it up (might not be the greatest ideas...but i'm also more confrontational than you, so i'm outta ideas).

I'm with Jason on this one. it could be worst; she lies about business trips, or a sick aunt, and spends your money flying out to homeboy and lovin' it up at the Ritz Carlton...while you sit back trying to pick which commercial break during House to confront her.

Permalink Reply by RGB on October 27, 2008 at 1:29pm: i was all set to bring things up this weekend but something told me to make sure i had my facts right. So instead of taking Jason's advice, i put on my tough skin and took another peek into the mailbox to re-read past threads (btw, no new messages.)

During my trip down the rabbit hole, i discovered something that slipped past me before. All my feelings were all based on the idea that my wife allowed this guy to reenter her life at his request. the real truth is she sought him out, initiated contact and invited him back into her world.

beyond the additional flurry of 'we can finally be friends' and 'that was another chapter' hoey, my wife openly admits that 'my husband would be out of his head to know I'm in contact with you'.

I imagine there was some soul searching involved before reaching out to this individual and starting a "platonic" relationship. But if you can be adult enough to actually admit the taboo of contact, shouldn't you be adult enough to avoid the contact? This is a serious character flaw and I feel torn about discovering it. I'll be addressing this tonight.

Many thanks for all the advice here. It's been very helpful in this most troubling time in my life. And, NO, I will not be touching my wife's computer ever again. Evar!

Permalink Reply by Christine on October 27, 2008 at 8:57pm: Hi, I'm sorry to intrude, but I feel bad for your wife and I'd like to see someone here play devil's advocate.
IMHO, your wife is NOT cheating, even if she did initiate the relationship. No matter how wonderful your relationship is you cannot be your wife's whole world. Telling her that sending e-mail to (not sleeping with, meeting face to face or even talking to on the phone) is inappropriate and you will not allow it is immature and jealous behaviour. Controlling, in fact, a big no no when dealing with a woman who has ever been abused.
You said HIS emails are full of "there's no one as good as you" type stuff, but does she answer in kind? If she is complaining about you or expressing an interest in getting back together with this guy then you have reason to be concerned, but if she's just having platonic conversations with him I don't see a problem.
When she said 'my husband would be out of his head to know I'm in contact with you', maybe she meant that she knew you would overreact. If she feels that you don't trust her then that could be pushing her into what previous people have called an "emotional affair"
I would recommend having that conversation with your wife, but maybe keep in mind that YOU might need to be adult enough to respect her privacy and her right to have friends other than you.
If I'm wrong I'm sorry, but like I said, I just wanted to be a voice for the other side.