Baby Shower - more trouble than it's worth?
Hi, everyone! My name is Amy, and I lurk and surf around Babble daily, but just signed up to post this today - because I just have to rant about it somewhere! I would put in on my normal blog, but people who are involved do read that...so this is a great way to get out my frustration without feeling like I have to hold back.
I am pregnant with our first child, due on July 30, and am also in the position of being the first pregnant woman in our circle of friends.
It seemed from the second the stick came up stripes, all I heard from people was "Shower, shower, shower..." They kept asking when I would have one, who would throw one for me, what would I register for, etc. I quite truthfully told everyone who asked that we were not sure there would be a shower...neither my mother nor my mother-in-law felt it appropriate to throw one for their own grandchild, we didn't feel it appropriate to throw one for ourselves (nor can we afford it), and there wasn't anyone in the vicinity who was really in a financial situation which would allow them to host a shower. Hey, times are tough. I was quite adamant that I was fine with there being no shower, and in no way expected one.
Well, a friend (actually, the girlfriend of my hubby's Best Buddy) stepped in a mere three months into the pregnancy and said she would throw a shower, and would hear no objections. She was really quite upset that we entertained the idea of not having one at all. She informed me that she was throwing a shower, and was thrilled to do so. I felt really blessed, I must say - I know her fairly well, but we are not best friends or anything, and I thought it was a really nice gesture. Everyone kept asking her if there was anything they could do to help, and she agreed to let everyone know...everything began to proceed.
We picked May 31 (I am at risk for preterm labor, so we wanted to have it early enough to allow for that, if necessary), and party planning began.
First, the venue. It was to be a large-ish party (about 50 guests, and coed), so we decided to rent the clubhouse in our community. My MIL stepped forward and told the hostess that she would like to take care of that part, and her help was accepted. MIL booked the day and paid for the rental.
Then the invitations: I stepped in and said that I would be happy to take care of that part, to help relieve her load a little bit, and she readily agreed. I picked up all the invites, and sent them all out to everyone with four weeks notice...with her name as hostess, naturally.
Then, the decorations. The hostess kept asking me to come with her to choose things so the shower could reflect mine and Hubby's tastes, but it was proving difficult to get together for that. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I simply told her I would head off and look for some things on my own and let her know what I had found. I went ahead and found everything that was needed, called her from the store to let her know, and she said, "Well, go ahead and pick it all up then, because I don't know when I am going to be able to get there." I thought, "Well, she is picking up a large food tab, and she sure doesn't have to throw me a shower, so of course I will help!" I bought everything we needed, although we could ill-afford it (I have been on modified rest, unable to work, since 22 weeks, and will be for the duration of the pregnancy - we are feeling the pinch, and that is a vast understatement).
Hostess called me last week and asked me when I was planning to order a cake. My response was "Ummmm...." because I didn't realize that I was hosting the shower...I genuinely had given a cake no thought. I told her that I hadn't considered that, and what would she like me to do? She explained that she just would not be able to do a cake and the food budget, and would someone else possibly step in and provide? I timidly asked if we had to have a cake (possibly a stupid comment), ...and she went off..."You cannot have a shower without a cake. You just can't. People EXPECT cake! If it is matter of money, then I think you should make some cakes, or a bunch of cute cupcakes...but there has to be something. I mean, I don't bake myself, but I know you do, so you should do that." Well, I would normally wholeheartedly agree, but I don't relish the idea of baking away for my own shower when I am seven months pregnant and supposed to be resting because of the preterm labor thing.
Hmph. So, my mother stepped in and said she would take care of the cake. On top of that, she would pick up soda, punch-fixings, and a variety of snack foods for each table, so that Hostess would only have to be concerned with the main food. Hostess thanked her profusely, and then said, "But you really must stop there, because I have the food thing totally covered, and I don't want you to overstretch yourself. You are the grandma! You need to relax and enjoy!"
The hostess is a manager at a very popular eatery (California Pizza Kitchen) right around the corner from the shower location, and she gets provided a $450 "dine-card" every quarter from her restaurant, allowing her to purchase food from them without paying anything out-of-pocket. That was the reason she originally suggested she host a shower - because it would cost next to nothing, considering she would have the restaurant cater it, and use her card. She swore over and over that she never uses that card for anything (she already gets her food for free, if she wants it), and it is "about time" she would get to use the thing for "something useful" (her words).
Last night, Hostess called me up and quite matter-of-factly told me that she would not be able to provide food for the shower, as she had used up the balance on the card for the quarter buying dinner several times for friends of hers. She didn't apologize, she didn't seem the least bit contrite..she just said "Well, I am not going be able to cover the food with the card like I planned, and I don't want to pay anything out of my pocket, so what do you want to do?"
The shower is 12 days away. Invites have been sent specifically inviting people to a luncheon, RSVP's are already pouring in, gifts have been purchased, and between my mom, my MIL, and ourselves, there has been $450 out-layed for the event already, the majority of which is non-refundable. Zero has been contributed by the hostess thus far. Zero.
So, umm....who is hosting, exactly? I'd love to know. I feel like it is too late to cancel, and even though I am sure people would understand, I hate to have the money already spent on the shower to be wasted because we have to cancel. So here we are, less than two weeks away, and we will be stepping in to buy the food for the shower at the last second. To say we cannot afford it is to be putting it lightly - after all, I am not working due to the high-risk pregnancy. In fact, the only way we can afford it is to return several of the gifts we have already gotten for the baby, and pay for the food that way.
I am being forced to choose between things I need for the baby, and feeding the shower guests! The whole thing just stinks, stinks, stinks.
So, is this woman the worst "hostess" ever, or is it just me? And as a snarky last question - do I get her a hostess gift? And what should it be?
:)
I am pregnant with our first child, due on July 30, and am also in the position of being the first pregnant woman in our circle of friends.
It seemed from the second the stick came up stripes, all I heard from people was "Shower, shower, shower..." They kept asking when I would have one, who would throw one for me, what would I register for, etc. I quite truthfully told everyone who asked that we were not sure there would be a shower...neither my mother nor my mother-in-law felt it appropriate to throw one for their own grandchild, we didn't feel it appropriate to throw one for ourselves (nor can we afford it), and there wasn't anyone in the vicinity who was really in a financial situation which would allow them to host a shower. Hey, times are tough. I was quite adamant that I was fine with there being no shower, and in no way expected one.
Well, a friend (actually, the girlfriend of my hubby's Best Buddy) stepped in a mere three months into the pregnancy and said she would throw a shower, and would hear no objections. She was really quite upset that we entertained the idea of not having one at all. She informed me that she was throwing a shower, and was thrilled to do so. I felt really blessed, I must say - I know her fairly well, but we are not best friends or anything, and I thought it was a really nice gesture. Everyone kept asking her if there was anything they could do to help, and she agreed to let everyone know...everything began to proceed.
We picked May 31 (I am at risk for preterm labor, so we wanted to have it early enough to allow for that, if necessary), and party planning began.
First, the venue. It was to be a large-ish party (about 50 guests, and coed), so we decided to rent the clubhouse in our community. My MIL stepped forward and told the hostess that she would like to take care of that part, and her help was accepted. MIL booked the day and paid for the rental.
Then the invitations: I stepped in and said that I would be happy to take care of that part, to help relieve her load a little bit, and she readily agreed. I picked up all the invites, and sent them all out to everyone with four weeks notice...with her name as hostess, naturally.
Then, the decorations. The hostess kept asking me to come with her to choose things so the shower could reflect mine and Hubby's tastes, but it was proving difficult to get together for that. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I simply told her I would head off and look for some things on my own and let her know what I had found. I went ahead and found everything that was needed, called her from the store to let her know, and she said, "Well, go ahead and pick it all up then, because I don't know when I am going to be able to get there." I thought, "Well, she is picking up a large food tab, and she sure doesn't have to throw me a shower, so of course I will help!" I bought everything we needed, although we could ill-afford it (I have been on modified rest, unable to work, since 22 weeks, and will be for the duration of the pregnancy - we are feeling the pinch, and that is a vast understatement).
Hostess called me last week and asked me when I was planning to order a cake. My response was "Ummmm...." because I didn't realize that I was hosting the shower...I genuinely had given a cake no thought. I told her that I hadn't considered that, and what would she like me to do? She explained that she just would not be able to do a cake and the food budget, and would someone else possibly step in and provide? I timidly asked if we had to have a cake (possibly a stupid comment), ...and she went off..."You cannot have a shower without a cake. You just can't. People EXPECT cake! If it is matter of money, then I think you should make some cakes, or a bunch of cute cupcakes...but there has to be something. I mean, I don't bake myself, but I know you do, so you should do that." Well, I would normally wholeheartedly agree, but I don't relish the idea of baking away for my own shower when I am seven months pregnant and supposed to be resting because of the preterm labor thing.
Hmph. So, my mother stepped in and said she would take care of the cake. On top of that, she would pick up soda, punch-fixings, and a variety of snack foods for each table, so that Hostess would only have to be concerned with the main food. Hostess thanked her profusely, and then said, "But you really must stop there, because I have the food thing totally covered, and I don't want you to overstretch yourself. You are the grandma! You need to relax and enjoy!"
The hostess is a manager at a very popular eatery (California Pizza Kitchen) right around the corner from the shower location, and she gets provided a $450 "dine-card" every quarter from her restaurant, allowing her to purchase food from them without paying anything out-of-pocket. That was the reason she originally suggested she host a shower - because it would cost next to nothing, considering she would have the restaurant cater it, and use her card. She swore over and over that she never uses that card for anything (she already gets her food for free, if she wants it), and it is "about time" she would get to use the thing for "something useful" (her words).
Last night, Hostess called me up and quite matter-of-factly told me that she would not be able to provide food for the shower, as she had used up the balance on the card for the quarter buying dinner several times for friends of hers. She didn't apologize, she didn't seem the least bit contrite..she just said "Well, I am not going be able to cover the food with the card like I planned, and I don't want to pay anything out of my pocket, so what do you want to do?"
The shower is 12 days away. Invites have been sent specifically inviting people to a luncheon, RSVP's are already pouring in, gifts have been purchased, and between my mom, my MIL, and ourselves, there has been $450 out-layed for the event already, the majority of which is non-refundable. Zero has been contributed by the hostess thus far. Zero.
So, umm....who is hosting, exactly? I'd love to know. I feel like it is too late to cancel, and even though I am sure people would understand, I hate to have the money already spent on the shower to be wasted because we have to cancel. So here we are, less than two weeks away, and we will be stepping in to buy the food for the shower at the last second. To say we cannot afford it is to be putting it lightly - after all, I am not working due to the high-risk pregnancy. In fact, the only way we can afford it is to return several of the gifts we have already gotten for the baby, and pay for the food that way.
I am being forced to choose between things I need for the baby, and feeding the shower guests! The whole thing just stinks, stinks, stinks.
So, is this woman the worst "hostess" ever, or is it just me? And as a snarky last question - do I get her a hostess gift? And what should it be?
:)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Nichole Pearson on -
I know I had a baby shower back in April which my sister in law threw for me. I think your hostess should been able to do everything with maybe a little help from another person. My shower was fairly small, but it does cost money when you need to rent a room for the shower and then have the decoration, food, and small prizes. She never asked me for one thing except for who to invite. So I think your hostess didn't do her job like she said she would and flaked out on everything. I definitely don't think you should be getting any kind of gift from her since she really didn't do what she needed to do. I would never rely on that person for anything ever again in my life.
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Permalink Reply by Laura Hamler on -
Wow that was horrible what she did to you! That's so not fair! Did you decide what your going to do yet? I would try to think of cheap recipes or ideas even look on the internet for food. I mean if ppl aren't to pleased with the food blame it on the host! lol I would be soooooo p*ssed!!! Excuse my french! Sams club has really good potato salad & macaroni salad & its only like 2 or 3 dollars for a big container. Also buy some buns or rolls & make or buy chicken salad. Theres no need for you to have a $450 bill for food. If you have stuff like I just named. Oh also Walmart has good fried chicken & its not expensive. I hope I helped! Good luck & I wish you the best!
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Permalink Reply by Amy on -
Thanks for the replies, ladies :) And I am with you, Laura...I'm farkin p*ssed, to put it lightly...lol! I know we can provide food for way, way less than what California Pizza Kitchen would charge...the only reason we were going that route was because no one would have to pay a penny for that food, seeing as how the "hostess" would get the food for free (HA!). Now that isn't an option, so Hubby and I will be going a totally different route...I'm thinking croissant sandwiches and potato salad from Sam's Club or Costco. I have had their stuff before, and it is darn good, at a great price, and feeds a lot of people. I didn't know that Walmart served chicken, but Hubby had suggested some chicken, so I will definitely look into that, too - thanks!
I know it is going to work out fine, and the shower will end up being great...but the principal of this thing just has me really cheesed, ya know? And like Nichole said, I will never, ever, ever rely on this person for anything for the rest of my life. The really ironic thing was that she practically begged me to "let" her give me a shower - because I was very concerned about the cost for her and such, and really wasn't comfortable with her taking the responsibility on. I told her so several times...and she begged me to reconsider...and now, here we are.
ARGH!!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Sabrina Wilson on -
No! She should definitely never, ever get any thing from you ever! I do not think she should even be at your shower. If I was you (bed rest or no bed rest) I would be strangling her! It is expensive enough to have a child and take care of them, not to add frivolous expenses to the mix!!! I had complaint for my wedding shower hostess too and thought that she did the worst job ever but this is 10 times worse and I will never complain again.
If you do decide to give her a give, you should find a book or something on etiquette and how to treat friends/acquaintances. I hope that you are doing well and that you haven't over extended yourself during the last part of your pregnancy! Maybe you should have your husband talk your friend about this girl and how she can help to reimburse you.
Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by CMS on
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That's horrible! Oh, and the Walmart chicken isn't bad, and it's only like $20 for 50 pieces.
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Permalink Reply by gena kirby on
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So sorry this happened to you! I'm usually so anti showers (I help women plan blessingway ceremonies) but this is the lowest. How self centered and completely NOT PRESENT can you be! What an A-1 jerk! Un-believable, and yet I believe it!
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Permalink Reply by Amie Maberry on -
DO NOT get her anything, in fact, personally, I'd write her off as a friend period.
At this point, I would go ahead with the shower, on a budget. Get with your other girl friends, and see if they can come over to help you make the food for the shower.
I had one shower, with my first son, which nobody really showed up, my dad's sisters, my mom my sister, and my aunt. My mom threw the "shower". So i really don't know much about the whole tradition on this and nor do I have friends that would throw me a baby shower, but needless to say what this person did is terrible, but at this point I think you should go on with your shower as its already paid for for the most part. Food can be pretty easy going. Make finger sandwhiches, chips little things for them to snack on.
And personally, I'd have your husband and a few other males standing at the doorway in black shirts (you know security shirts) so when she attempts to come in she's carried out. Not that I think she'd actually show her face.
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Permalink Reply by M Baxter on
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Wow.
No, you get hostess gifts for hostesses.
And, please remember that a baby shower should be a celebration of your pregnancy. Decorations, games, cakes, prizes- these all distract from the main event.
Which is celebrating the joy of this event in your life. The spirit of a baby shower is that your friends gather to celebrate this with you.
I skipped having a bridal shower for this reason. My friends were all in sad, depressing places WRT romance and marriage at the time. None of us had any money, and I was glad just to be getting married to the right guy. Now, reading your story, I am really glad I skipped the shower.
A bridal or baby shower should be a party thrown by someone else, at which the bride or mom-to-be is GUEST. The guest of honor. NOT the hostess.
Don't choose between your baby's needs and feeding the shower guests. If your friends love you, they will be glad to convert this event to a potluck or something else. Call them and change the plan!
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