separation anxiety

[lamees Serry]

its been 4 days since i put my 14month old son in day care. The first three days i stayed around and that wasnt such a great idea since he always ran to me crying and wanted me to pick him up. Yesterday i decided to leave him for a while.....waiting in my car. i could hear him crying from the car! He stopped a couple of times. He didnt want to eat lunch with the other kids. When i picked him up he was screaming and i knew he's been crying for a while because he couldnt catch his breath. Im heartbroken when i see this and today i dont think i have the heart to leave him once i reach the day care. If anyone can give me any tips i'd really appreciate it. thanx

[Milena]

I went through the same thing. I put Eva in a pre-school (in there toddler program) at 15 months. At first it was hard and that is to be expected. Luckily the teacher I left her with was very comforting to both her and I. She still cried and made a fuss for the first week or two, but that eventually stops. My daughter has always been attached to a blanket. While the director said she could not bring the blanket, (b/c they didn't want her running or walking with the blanket and falling- liability issues) I managed to cut one of her blankets into smaller pieces. This way she still had a piece of that familiar comfort with her at all times.
Once she did stop crying I was so relived. However after a couple of months she started crying all over again. Eventually it stopped again. She is now in the "2's" toddler class and she has become a little pro at getting dropped off everyday. She still takes pieces of her blanket but every morning while I am still there she hands it over to her teacher (its the cutest thing). She then proceeds to have a juice or a snack, and says goodbye to me. So I usually stay a few minutes but we totally have a routine going. We do the same goodbye process every morning.
So don't worry it will get better. I think I have noticed a pattern- it seems to me that the boys always take a little longer to adjust. That is just my observation though. You need to stay cool and not stress when you leave them, because these little ones are like dogs (lot)- they can sense your stress. Keep the goodbye simple and just keep going. Staying in the car will only make you stress out more. if you can- and they should allow it to help him adjust- take a toy, blanket, stuffed animal that he is attached to at home so that he can have that little piece of familiarity with him once you leave. Don't worry- This will pass!

[lamees Serry]

Hey Milena, thank you so much for your story of Eva. It seems that all toddlers go through the same thing. Its good, in a way, to know that other mom's go through the same thing im going through.... I guess i need to be less soft.
I'll keep the whole kids are kind of like dogs concept in mind.
Actually yesterday i took him and he cried but i left and when i returned he was actually interacting with the other kids and seemed happy. When he saw me he just pointed and pretended to cry but he quickly stopped and carried on with what he was doing.......he didnt want to leave!
After seeing him get more comfortable at the daycare, a feeling of relief came over me. Im sure as the days go by he'll soon be like your daughter Eva, where he'd go with a big smile on his face.
thanx again for your tips. i'll keep you posted on how he's doing
Takecare

[The Peveteaux-Goldmans]

I agree, time will help. And I've also noticed boys seem to have a tougher time. Not all boys, but the kiddos in my daughter's day care and then pre-school that were the most upset were always baby boys. It's so tough to hear your little one cry like his heart is breaking, but if you have to work (like so many of us do) you've gotta do it. And the payoff is huge when he starts talking about his little friends at "school." It's the cutest thing ever!

Good luck and hang in there!

April

[lamees Serry]

Its interesting to see how boys have a tougher time adjusting than girls.
Zedan is getting a little better at daycare. He still cries when i leave him. Yesterday his teacher called me after an hour of dropoff and told me to come get him because he's been crying for over 10mins......so i quickly came and i found him napping. I decided to watch from afar. He woke up and totally interacted with the kids and his teacher. Its a huge step! im really happy.
Thanx April for your advise.
Takecare

[aussiemum21]

My son started in day care at the age of 7 months, which yes means that he isnt as fully aware of what is going on, but I can totally see what you are going through when you drop him off, although my son just completely disses me when he gets there, (he prefers to look at everything else) I still feel guilt at leaving him, because he is so young, but I do see mothers coming in with there toddlers and they have the same problem, literally the whole room is full of crying toddlers!! I am glad that I have started James out early on this as I am hoping that he will grow into the routine, and he wont feel like I am abandoning him when he gets older! The carers are really good with the children that do start to scream, and tend to either hold them or give them a snack and juice. Most kids do bring a comforter, but it does depend on the centre whether you are aloud. When i first started James at childcare, his first day I was so ready to sit with him and settle him in, but getting there, I found that the carers where quick to get me out the door which was good because it stopped me from sitting with James and dwelling on whether what I was doing was the right thing

[lamees Serry]

Wow, i wish i put Zedan in daycare when he was 6 or 7 months. I think its a great idea that you did this. It makes the toddler more social. He will definately understand the fact of you leaving and coming back for him better. more importantly, you wont have to go through with what im going through with Zedan and his inability to adapt.......which is hard to deal with.
Since Zedan doesnt want to eat the food the day care provides, i pack for him snacks that remind him of home. Like cherios in his snack trap cup, or his favorite yogurt. I think that helps.
I know how guilty you feel when you leave James. It doesnt matter how young or old the child is. Us moms tend to always have a soft hearts. Hang in there, your doing the right thing for him.
Thanks for your response.
Good luck
lamees

[Dina]

It is a tough time but one thing that usually works is to talk to him before dropping him off. Tell him that he is a big boy and that, even though it will be tough, you know he'll be able to do this. Then tell him that you'll be back (after nap, or after lunch or some other time frame he'll understand). And then when you come back remind him that you promised you come back and here you are. I know it probably sounds silly, because he is so young, but this technique works. Also, you can practice the whole sequence: telling him you're leaving and that you'll be back, that he will be a big boy and he'll be ok and that it might be tough to be without you, you know he can do it, especially becuase his teacher/babysitter whoever will be there; then leave; then come back and tell him "see, I said I would come back and here I am." Create a short good bye ritual and then stick to it.

Good luck.

Dina

[lamees Serry]

Thank you so much for the tip. I think its a great idea. However, i did try telling him that im leaving him now and that i'll be back but once i put him on the ground he looks at me and starts crying very hard. He doesnt even hear me, his cry is so loud........so now i just stay with him 10 seconds and say my goodbyes and leave eventhough he's crying. It is so hard for me. Before i pick him up i always watch from afar and i find him playing and interacting happily . Once he sees me though he points at me and cries but its almost a fake cry. The only thing that he is not yet comfortable with is the food the day care provides. His teacher tells me it will take time. Its been two weeks (he only goes three days a week). I must admit that Zedan has a strong character. Im happy to hear that he is changing his diaper without crying. Before he would ball his eyes out and would never lie down to change.....only standing up! This started after he turned one. So, there is definately progress.
Thanks again for your advice.
takecare
lamees

[Petra]

Some kids just take a long time to get used to the routine. It's hard, but I also suggest keeping it up and trying to do it the same way each day so he knows what to expect and settles into a routine. He will eventually be fine; you just have to try to stay strong until he really gets used to it!

Good luck!

[Rowena Lee]

Making Goodbyes Easier

These strategies can help ease kids and parents through this difficult period:

* Timing is everything. Try not to start day care or child care with an unfamiliar person when your little one is between the ages of 8 months and 1 year, when separation anxiety is first likely to appear. Also, try not to leave when your child is likely to be tired, hungry, or restless. If at all possible, schedule your departures for after naps and mealtimes.
* Practice. Practice being apart from each other, and introduce new people and places gradually. If you're planning to leave your child with a relative or a new babysitter, then invite that person over in advance so they can spend time together while you're in the room. If your child is starting at a new day care center or preschool, make a few visits there together before a full-time schedule begins. Practice leaving your child with a caregiver for short periods of time so that he or she can get used to being away from you.
* Be calm and consistent. Create a exit ritual during which you say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure him or her that you'll be back — and explain how long it will be until you return using concepts kids will understand (such as after lunch) because your child can't yet understand time. Give him or her your full attention when you say goodbye, and when you say you're leaving, mean it; coming back will only make things worse.
* Follow through on promises. It's important to make sure that you return when you have promised to. This is critical — this is how your child will develop the confidence that he or she can make it through the time apart.


Keep in mind that your little one's unwillingness to leave you is a good sign that healthy attachments have developed between the two of you.

An advice from speed training society.

[Debra Trotter]

My children are going to my mother-in-laws to spend the night tonight. I'm having major separation anxiety today! I'm not worried about my son. He's ten years old and has spent the night away from home more times than I could ever think of counting. My daughter, on the other hand, has never been away from home overnight. I know she'll be fine, but I still can't help but feel this heartache. It's going to be too strange walking in the door tonight after work and her not being there. I won't see her again until tomorrow evening when I get off work.

Greetings,
Debra@ Anxiety Cures

[James]

Hey Lamees,

I am ex military and I had similar problems when I left or got deployed. I actually had chronic anxiety because it felt like I was leaving him I really was confused also. Once your realize that you will see your child and you will not be separated permanently. As he gets older he will be use to being away from you and he will stop crying. Hope this helps !