strange situation

My son was born in Egypt, so my family couldnt make it to my deliver since they all lived in Canada......that was the first strange thing. Zedan has grandparents from his dad's side, but they were never close to us to begin with so it was kind of wierd. keep in mind that they already have a grandson. My husband and i moved back to Canada when Zedan was about 16 months. The relationship with my parents was strange too!! Also keep in mind that they already had a grand daughter and son.....(my sisters kids)....which isnt an excuse but it started building up in my head that it was.......
i still do everything for my son when i go over to my parents (change him, feed him, wash his hands etc) My mom hardly did anything for him but when it came to my sisters kids.....she did everything! always babysitting him. But she never babysits Zedan.......claims that he still needs to get to know her. Yeah, zedan had a rough time adapting to the changes and getting to know his grandparents but he is the toddler right? the adult should make the effort. The only person who tends to him and babysits him when she has the time is my big sister! Zedan is so in love with her lol. Now zedan is 21 months.....its getting a little better but my mom still refuses to take care of him eventhough hes used to her. The mistreatment and the unfairness of it all has totally stressed my husband and I out and is hurting me day by day. I could go on forever with the stories that happen daily. Dont get me wrong, i know my parents love zedan, but the way they treat him compared to the other two kids is just crazy to me. Just want to know if there is someone out there going through what im going through. im just a mess.

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Permalink Reply by Marie-Claire on July 13, 2009 at 12:28am: It's great that your sister "tends to him (Zedan) and babysits him", but it should not really be expected of an aunt or grandparent...hmmm...
If they love your son and are happy to see him...they are treating him just fine.
It sounds like your concern is how they are treating you...treating you so differently from your sister.
Sounds like she was spoiled with help from your parents.
Sigh...being a parent is exhausting...and a huge commitment...but it IS what we signed up for.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by lamees Serry on July 13, 2009 at 12:52am: Yeah, you're probably right Marie Claire, but it is very frustrating you know. i guess my expectations were too high....i should definately lower them so that i dont get disappointed in the future. Its been rough and i think ive been too caught up with this issue...i should just move on. thank you for your reply. It made me see a different side of the situation.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Marie-Claire on July 13, 2009 at 1:23am: It doesn't sound as if you're "a mess". Sounds as if you have everything pretty much under control. It's just been quite an emotional 2 years. Having a child leaves you more vulnerable...almost raw sometimes and you had the added stress of an international move.
I'm glad your big sister has been a support to you:); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Marie-Claire on July 13, 2009 at 2:08am: Iamees Serry? Is that a play on words...for emissiary?
Are you the agent for another?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by lamees Serry on July 14, 2009 at 1:58pm: Thank you for your reply,
Its nice to know there is someone out there that sees the situation the way i see it.
When we first arrived and realized how different Zedan was being treated, my husband spoke to my parents and they started changing to the better. But there is always that difference......like Zedan is the next door neighbors kid you know. I thought about talking to my mom so many times after that.....but im always hurt so like you said, she will feel like im attacking her. I hope time will change things. I know that i will end up talking to her sooner than later because i just cant understand it. Its wierd but you start becoming so defensive and angry and i react in the wrong way. for example, i stop going over to my parents house as much.....i dont talk to my sister as much bec i always feel there is this kind of awkwardness.....(like a competition). I dont want to compete......and i love her kids very much......i just wish my parents could be normal and loving to zedan like they are with their other grandchildren. At the same time, Zedan doesnt stop talking about his grandparents and wants to see them and it tears me up from inside.
I hope your brother changed after you confronted him......its hard and very shocking when you find that one of your family members are acting or thinking this way about ur child.
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Permalink Reply by Marie-Claire on July 14, 2009 at 6:08pm: I think you are right...I see your side and, actually, I was simply saying that expecting babysitting was unrealistic. It is wrong, uncaring and unfair...but grandparents have favourites...some parents even have favourites. Your parents might know your sisters kids better. The irony is...because they have spent mire time with them...they understand them...appreciate them more. You can't force things...but explaining how you feel in the most respectful and positive light is undeniably necessart...they are YOUR parents...and they are obviously very important to you...important to Zedan.
My inlaws are a nightmare when it comes to my kids...it has been made clear that there is a hierarchy and my children and I are down at the bottom. Preference goes to my mother-in-law's oldest daughter's children ( who live 600 kms away) and then significantly lower on the ladder come her other daughter's children and then there are her son's children...my children(we live 10km away) The chosen one is her oldest daughter's daughter...it is almost embarrasing to watch the favouritism. Everyone accepts it...I don't...but there is absolutely no point in talking to her. It would only result in a fight and she would resent me even more. That said, it is easier for me because she is my mother-in-law and it is not really hurtful...to me anyway...I don't really care. As soon as my children start to feel hurt...I will, very openly and directly, explain in politically correct terms that she is wrong...that she does not take the medication she should be taking so she is a little coo coo;)
Talk to your mom...just be gentle...she will be defensive...remember that she loves Zedan...she loves you. Remember that she loves you the way you love Zedan...it has just become awkward over the years.
-Marie-Claire; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by lamees Serry on July 15, 2009 at 12:55am: Wow, you and your kids dont have it easy either. But, like you said, atleast she's your mother in law and not your mother! The only reason why i mentioned babysitting is bec my mom babysit my sister's kids every tuesday bec she works that day and anytime my sis feels like leaving them!!!! As for me....i too work part time and my hubby has to take care of him while he works! not once did my mom offer to take him. When i mentioned it to her she refused and said that zedan is still not used to her. She'd rather take care of an almost 3year old and a teething 14 month old! things that make you go hmmmm. So ofcourse im mad.......mad as ever. She doesnt even wash his hands....instead calls me in to do it. The difference in treatment bet the kids is really obviouse and it cuts like a knife
I expected to get the motherly love and support when i arrived and didint find it........i dont think it will change but i think i will reach a limit where i will talk to them bec i get hurt everytime im at thier house. Its too bad for them bec they are missing out on a great grandchild. All i know is that im going to learn from my parents mistakes and treat my kids equally....or try to. i only have one but my husband and i are planning for a second:::)
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Im sorry for that becuase i know how it feels. You sound like a strong woman......hang in there! Its her loss anyways.......; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Marie-Claire on July 15, 2009 at 2:04am: Sigh...
Your mom sounds complicated...I'm so sorry you don't have her support. I'm lucky it's only my mother-in-law.
You may not have your mom's support, but you have your big sister and all your Babble friends rooting for you;)

P.S
How does your Dad feel about all this? What does your sister have to say? (the other sister-not the supportive big sister); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by lamees Serry on July 15, 2009 at 12:30pm: Im sighing with you girl...lol.
My father unfortunately doesnt have a say and is going with the flow kinda thing. I dont get upset from him because he is sick and i think he has enough on his plate. Plus the fact that he favors my little sister but thats a whole other story. My big sis on the other hand sees my condition and is pretty upset too. The funny thing is is that she too cant talk to my parents. sometimes she would say little things to back me up. Then again, she too has alot on her plate. Even my Aunt from my dad's side thinks its crazy. She tried talking to my father but nothing really changes. i wish she was my mother......she has three kids who are all married and have kids and she loves them unconditionally. i feel like the chemistry bet Zedan and them is not there.......its like they do and say things to zedan thats almost fake? i dont know how to explain it but its just sad when my husband and i witness it. The poor kid is going to grow up woundering why he's treated so differently than his cousins. Now a third one is on the way lol. So well just have to see what will happen.
Thank you so much for your support........you truly make me feel better.
takecare
lamees; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Marie-Claire on July 16, 2009 at 2:45am: I'm so happy some of my words made you feel better;)
It's eerie...my father in law has the same attitude...he doesn't want to rock the boat. My mother in law rules the roost and he would have to live with the consequences of going up against her...that would be almost unbearable. Plus, there is strictly no point in confronting her anyway. It's sad...so deeply wrong...so deeply sad. In my husband's family, the youngest daughter is the rebel...she is quite confrontational and has tried to discuss the issue of favouritism and the distance my mother in law places between herself and certain grandchildren. She laughed at the idea. Total denial. There was no point in discussing it, there is no point and there will be me no point.
Why are there such bitter, nasty personalities in the world.
Aaaaaaaaagh...a third is on the way?!
You've got to work on your gang numbers. I wish you a happy and healthy second
child:)
Anyway...it's very late...I should go.
Ok...take good care.
Aaaaagggggh...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by lamees Serry on July 16, 2009 at 2:01pm: Its really a shame how grown ups think and act. It does seem pointless to talk to her since she is in denial. Then again they are always in denial when they are confronted! Its mind blowing.
My husband keeps telling me to let it go but it hurts so much and its a really big thing for me. Your right, it is deeply sad and unfortunately there is so much we can do and say. nevertheless, what goes around comes around. I know that sounds harsh because i am talking about my parents but you know if they dont want to listen and see what they are doing then im just going to have to wait and see how things turn out.
As for having a second child.......well we were planning it until my sis broke the news and told me she's having the third......by accident! The other thing is that my sister has very low self esteem and by saying mean things and causing problems bet us without her knowing, i guess this strengthens her esteem. When i had Zedan, the first thing she said was that i was copying her because she had her first child, this was said behind my back. it is very childish and i dont care because i know she has issues. So can u imagine if i have another child now? lol. But seriously thats not the reason. My hubby and i dont think its the right time since we are still going to move into a house.......we are renting an apartment now........its getting tooooo small for the three of us. So once we settle in we will start thinking of making our family bigger.
My parents were never this unfair and i believe that because i was away for a while they started making the effort not to make my sister upset because she was so insecure and sensitive.........its unfair but what can i do. My oldest sis sees it and cant say anything either.
You know what is the funniest thing? That when the kids are playing with eachother and my mom and sister are there, my sister claims that my mother treats Zedan better than her two kids! hahahaha.......whatever! I think im really going crazy or she needs a brain check.
......i believe its jealousy from my sister but the crazy thing is is that she thinks im the one thats jealous! The only reason im upset is because my son is involved.
Anyways, its never going to end. Well i gotta go
Takecare of yourself
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Permalink Reply by RuthAnne Schedler Oliver on July 22, 2009 at 3:30pm: I wonder sometimes why we human beings spend so much time hashing and rehashing over stuff. For me, every time I retell a story about something that made me feel bad -- I feel worse. I THINK that the retelling will make me feel better. In fact, sometimes when I feel bad about something that someone DID to me, I can't wait to call a girlfriend to tell her how bad it all was. But, really, after I hang up the phone, I still feel bad.

Maybe we could all be more like my boys (ten and seven). They can have a knock-down, blow-out fight and say all kinds of horrible things to each other one minute -- and be best buddies the next.

Maybe people we love sometimes -- when they are in a bad mood or a frustrated state of mind -- can do things that just aren't like them. Maybe we could take a lesson from my boys and realize that all that horrible stuff is just a behavior (occurring in THEIR bad moment) and not who they are.

Maybe we just need to think about it all differently.

Noticing how I think and feel about things has made a real life difference for me.

Best,
RuthAnne