strange situation

My son was born in Egypt, so my family couldnt make it to my deliver since they all lived in Canada......that was the first strange thing. Zedan has grandparents from his dad's side, but they were never close to us to begin with so it was kind of wierd. keep in mind that they already have a grandson. My husband and i moved back to Canada when Zedan was about 16 months. The relationship with my parents was strange too!! Also keep in mind that they already had a grand daughter and son.....(my sisters kids)....which isnt an excuse but it started building up in my head that it was.......
i still do everything for my son when i go over to my parents (change him, feed him, wash his hands etc) My mom hardly did anything for him but when it came to my sisters kids.....she did everything! always babysitting him. But she never babysits Zedan.......claims that he still needs to get to know her. Yeah, zedan had a rough time adapting to the changes and getting to know his grandparents but he is the toddler right? the adult should make the effort. The only person who tends to him and babysits him when she has the time is my big sister! Zedan is so in love with her lol. Now zedan is 21 months.....its getting a little better but my mom still refuses to take care of him eventhough hes used to her. The mistreatment and the unfairness of it all has totally stressed my husband and I out and is hurting me day by day. I could go on forever with the stories that happen daily. Dont get me wrong, i know my parents love zedan, but the way they treat him compared to the other two kids is just crazy to me. Just want to know if there is someone out there going through what im going through. im just a mess.

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Permalink Reply by Marie-Claire on July 22, 2009 at 3:52pm: You are being quite reductionistic.
Her parents weren't in a bad mood or having a bad day. It was not an isolated incident.
"Hashing and rehashing", as you put it is what humans do. We discuss things, attempt to understand and resolve.
I don't think I, personally, will be taking any lessons from your pre-adolescent sons (who, quite frankly, sound quite violent with their knock down fights). I don't think advising anyone to ignore disrespectful, unreasonable or abusive behaviour is very sound.
Perhaps encouraging discussion, attempting to achieve some sort of resolution and building or rebuilding healthy, open relationships is a better alternative for all...including your young sons.
If you love someone...you want a healthy relationship based on caring and respect...not resentment and ignorance. You don't want to grow to hate your family...now, if the situation is like that of mine and my mother in law's then let the ignorance and fake smiles reign.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by RuthAnne Schedler Oliver on August 3, 2009 at 10:41pm: Marie-Claire,

Sorry if I struck a sore spot for you. I guess my literary poetic license of calling their fights "knock-down, blow-out" was overdone. They never actually hit each other.

My point was to simply say that dwelling on the negative never seems to get me to a place where I can talk it out with a loved one. I need to get out of that negative-feeling space first, then I can move forward to foster relationships.

My point was to simply say that when my mind is clear of bad feeling then I can communicate in an open and honest way with a loved one without letting resentment cloud the communication.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by lamees Serry on August 4, 2009 at 12:31pm: I understand where your coming from......
But unfortunately this neg feeling of hurt and shock that i have with this situation will never change. Unless lightning strikes and my parents start treating Zedan equally.....lol. And you know, even if they start treating him better..(.i should use the word normal instead of better...since that is the role of the grandparents)...it will never erase what they did for the past five months that we have been here. The scar is made
Its too hard and overwhelming for me........
It is very hard for me to say, but i do resent them and everyday im reminded of their unfairness and lack of support and love to me and my family. At least i have my big sis who definately sees everything and is my support.
Thank you for your opinion.
takecare
ps. you know whats strange? That i used to be treated sooooooo well by my parents, especially ,my mom and we were soooo close and my sister (who has the kids) would always be jelouse of my relationship with my mom. After i had Zedan and lived alone for 2 years.......things changed:(; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by RuthAnne Schedler Oliver on August 4, 2009 at 7:47pm: Iamees,

Something must be going on with your mother that you cannot even imagine. She obviously loves you and Zedan. So what is up with your mother? I am curious.

Maybe... maybe you could find a time when you aren't feeling mad -- when your sister and her kids aren't around -- and ask her. Ask her how she is feeling about you and your family and the time you spent away from her. And really be curious about her answer. Try to really "get" her answer.

And then wait. Do not respond. Do not defend. Just spend time thinking about her answer and what is up with her. Maybe when you are clear about how SHE feels, you can get clear about how YOU feel in that new light.

I bet some good insight will come to you, and you will IN THAT SPACE find the right thing to say.

Let me tell you a story...
My older sister and I never really got along. I always felt that my parents played favorite with her. Then one December, I got tired of always feeling bad when I went home to visit. So.. I called my sister and asked her how she felt about our relationship. And boy did she tell me how upset she was because I was prettier, I was happier, I was richer... on and on. She thought she was getting the short end of the stick. I thought I was getting the short end of the stick.

BUT WHAT WE BOTH WANTED was a good relationship with each other! Wait! We both wanted the same thing. We didn't want to fight. We didn't want to feel bad. So! We agreed to let all the past stuff go and move on. This part was hard. We had to stop going back to past events and saying, "Well, what about when you... and... I felt bad when you... " We really just had to stop and let that go.

We have been close ever since then. Ironically, my sister was diagnosed with stage three cancer the very next February. Thank goodness we had moved forward into a good relationship. I could be there for her without any resentment. And now, three cancer-free years later, she is there for me when I need her.

RuthAnne; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Michelle Arnott on July 22, 2009 at 6:06pm: Wow, I can see why this bothers you. It hurts to see other children be treated differently than your own child in any environment or situation (school, with friends, etc.). Seeing your own parents blatantly show preference for your sister's kids instead of your own child will bring out the monster in any mom who loves her child. I can also see how it may bring out feelings of sibling rivalry with your sister too. I personally would confront the issue with your mother, I don't see how letting this wound fester would benefit any one in your family. I would seriously discuss this situation before your child is old enough to gather the facts on his own and have his feelings hurt.
You may be surprised by her answer, and there may be more to this situation than you are aware of. Maybe she feels you are a better parent than your sister, and worries for the other children. Maybe your sister is dealing with personal issues in her life that your mother has not made you aware of. There maybe many reasons for her actions, I would bring it up and see what she has to say. You might just be wasting energy being mad about nothing.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by lamees Serry on July 23, 2009 at 1:37am: You are absolutely right that i have to talk to my mom before Zedan is old enough to see the difference in treatment and get hurt by it. Its harder than you think. As much as my mom is a sweetheart, she doesnt react too well with confrontation. so i really have to approach it with caution. I am already a sensitive and emotional person and dont want that to get in the way of talking to her. My husband and i are moving into a new house in less than a month, so i think once we settle in and feel comfortable i will approach my mom,.
I also agree that there might be many things that im not aware of that makes her act this way.......however, in this case of zedan......her 'grandson" there shouldnt be an excuse.....not one! My sister always felt like the blacksheep of the family and always had low self esteem. Im not sure what happend the time i was away but i feel like my mom feels sorry for her or something. Now that my sister has a third baby on the way.......its going to get worse.
You know what really bothers me? Is that eventhough i talk to her and she kinda changes or whatever......it means that she's faking it and trying instead of it coming naturally from, her heart. Its a shame really.
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Permalink Reply by Michelle Arnott on July 24, 2009 at 8:33pm: I don't think it will be easy for you to talk to your mom about this by any means...As I wrote that statement I was just thinking of how uncomfortable the conversation would be for you and your mother. I just feel really bad that Zedan is being treated so unfairly by his own grandma. I think you are right about how if you say some thing it would mean she is faking it. It is a shame. Just remember that you aren't crazy for feeling this way. Good luck with this situation.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by lamees Serry on July 25, 2009 at 1:03pm: Thank you Michelle. It is sad but i hope things will turn around. The funny thing is is that my mom is awsome with zedan when her other grandkids are not around.........i wish i knew the reason.....; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by RuthAnne Schedler Oliver on August 4, 2009 at 7:59pm: Michelle,

You are so right. But don't we all do this? We CREATE the reasons why people do what they do. We write the story. And it IS such wasted energy. When my partner does something that doesn't feel good to me... I often create these ideas of what he is thinking. And more often than not, I project negative thoughts right into his head.

Wouldn't it just be easier to take some space (or a chill pill) and ask him in a moment of peace between us what he meant by that HORRIBLE THING he did or said? When I take my own advice, I frequently find myself laughing at his answer. "You mean you had gas and were trying to hold it all in? You weren't ignoring me?" "You mean your daughter just asked you for $1000 and you were stressing out about paying for my dinner?"

Yeah... You are so right. We all might just be wasting energy being mad about nothing.

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