Hip-hip-hurray for lead-based paint! A comical rant about paint paranoia.

[LeAnne Rosevold]

I went to an antiques place in downtown Fayetteville today. It was one with the perfect balance between junky and not a sterile anti-microbial airtight case in sight. It was here where I purchased an egg-shaped chicken with a blue, rounded bottom that had a non-obnoxious bell nestled somewhere in its interior cavities that jingles when it sways. Drake loves it and as I watched him playing delightedly with the vintage Playskool toy made in some ambiguous third world country the first thing that came to my mind was how delicious that lead-based paint must taste.

As a new member of the parenting ring I’ve read countless articles and seen the news reports that rave about the dangers of lead-based paint that has tainted the toy production lines of our delightful playthings made in Chinese factory hotboxes. Despite the hype, I find myself pretty indifferent on the matter. As a pup I’ve munched on my share of sumptuous lead-filled products and other than the constant blackouts where I often find myself naked and covered in blood in the woods, I think I’ve developed just fine. My parents have had the pleasure of licking on even more lead-based paint products than I, for which I am very jealous, and they still have all their wits about them. If only I could keep my dad from drinking thermometer mercury, though. Anyway, my indifference about this derives from the fact that both me and my parents and adjacent relatives are all still very alive and well.

The eco-movement often creates a glut of paranoia since this the nature of our fear-driven, instant gratification world that needs all their apocalyptic literature right now. With a million blogs and articles discussing the hazards and new discoveries about lead in paint, I have opted for the side of common sense. Because think of this: With swine flu, Ebola, campus shootings, terrorists, pedophiles, and infomercials there’s a slew of hazards out there, just waiting to damage your child’s well being.

So keep eating your lead-encrusted chicken Drake, as well as the squeaky dog and other vintage toys of yore that I purchased for you on Ebay or scrounged up in some dusty shop. If anything happens to you, we’ll be able to have quality therapy time together when your brain lobes become a septic-outhouse that renders you with the mental capacity of a window-licker.

[Khymn]

Wait until you have to go in for the 12 month blood test and your doctor tells you they've found lead. Then you might have a different opinion. Even though the doctor assured us that the level was probably 3 times lower than what we grew up with, it was still 5 times higher than she usually sees nowadays. It turned out our front door was chipping and our daughter was inhaling lead particles. Her vintage Fisher-Price toys, which we thought were the culprits, were actually all made in the U.S. and lead-free. Go figure!